Baker incarnate

I have been getting some fantastic, hilarious hebdomadals this week. Jena D. (313) sent in this particularly impressive meditation on alarm clocks that I just had to share:

As I went about my every day activities, commencing with the static drone of my alarm clock, I reflected on the rigid schedule most human beings submit themselves to. I came to the conclusion that we become creators of our own customs, as if our own life is a distinct culture among the population. Every morning I wake up, brush my teeth, turn on my desk lamp, check my email, get dressed, then turn off my desk lamp as not to wake up my snoring roommate, unlock the door, and enter the hallway to walk to class in a rather robotic fashion. I set my alarm for 9:03 every morning, which is both a product of my obsessive compulsiveness and a superstitious association with any number besides three. All mental irrationality aside, it occurred to me that 9:03 is such a strange choice of time, that maybe 9:00 or 9:05 would seem like a more “normal” time to set my alarm. But then again what is considered normal? Why are increments of 5 considered a more acceptable way to measure time? When you ask someone what time it is, they are likely to say “9:10” when it is in fact “9:08”, or “9:30” rather than “9:29.” This has always been a source of frustration to me. When I ask the time, I want to know the actual time, not the time in relation to it’s closest increment of 5.

Of course, naturally, these initial thoughts gave way to a mindless rambling about the situation within my cerebral cortex. I evaluated the act of setting one’s alarm, specifically my own habits and their significance. Although I set me alarm for 9:03, my clock in general is set for exactly 5 minutes fast due to my tendency to be late. I figured, these extra five minutes would give me the necessary leeway to get to classes and appointments on time. However, quickly I found that this invented system had limitations too easy to surpass given the complexity and genius of the human mind. Instead of getting up at 9:03 when my alarm goes off, I mentally registered that it was 8:58, which sounds significantly worse than 9:03 for the sheer presence of the number “8” prior to the colon. As a result, I got out of bed, and hit the “snooze” button, giving myself an extra nine minutes now to sleep, due to the automatic time allotted for “snoozing” decided by the manufacturers of the clock [1]. Somehow feeling robbed by five minutes, I convince myself it is, in fact, ok to sleep an extra four. Therefore, I completely defeated the purpose of setting the clock ahead five minutes.

[1]: That in itself poses a problem, because what is the purpose of warranting a mere nine minutes to sleep? No one can fall asleep, head on pillow, and enter the escape-from-earth dream world we all know and love, in a petty nine minutes. If anything, it causes more unrest and anxiety among the “sleeper” who is constantly tortured by trying to predict when the alarm is going to go off so as not be caught off guard. Besides the personal attack on its inanity, why did the alarm clock manufacturers define 9 minutes as the appropriate “snooze time,” rather than 5 or 10?